Something Scary: 10 of the worst movies I've ever seen.

Last year, I posted 10 Horror films just in time for Halloween This year I wanted to do something a little different. I decided to go with a different kind of horror. The kind you feel right after you've sat through some of the dumbest sh*t you've ever seen.

These are 10 films (in no particular order) that are among the worst I've ever laid eyes on. Most of them are horror movies anyways. They tend to fail the hardest.

1) House of the Dead
I used to think Uwe Boll was the worst director alive until I stumbled upon the work of Ulli Lommel. (We'll get to him later) Lommel aside, Boll is still a crap director and at times I almost feel bad for him. Then I remember the clusterf**k that was 'House of the Dead.' Based on the video games of the same name, this film is about a bunch of college students who pay a smuggler to take them to an island to go to the "rave of the year." When they get there, there isn't a single person in sight. Suspicious? Not to our cast, they bust out the beer, nudity, and quite possibly some of the worst dialogue in movie history anyways. When the island ends up being infested by zombies, they all miraculously learn how to shoot high tech assault rifles and try to defend themselves, accompanied by bad techno music during some of the zombie fight scenes. Everything about this movie failed. I failed for actually sitting through this and not walking out like a bunch of other people did. Thankfully I didn't pay for it.

2) The Last House on the Left
I know, how dare I, a horror fan, rip on Wes Craven's original "masterpiece." Because I hated it, that's why. It's not my type of movie to begin with. I don't care for movies that's only motivation is to "shock people" (hello, Faces of Death) and that's what this film felt like. A giant exploitation with the only somewhat believable actors being the two girls that are horrendously killed at the beginning. Though they are clearly still breathing when they're supposed to be dead, I guess continuity didn't mean much in 1972. I hated it because it offended me, I'll admit it, but in a strange way I once found myself defending this film that I loathe so much. When I heard they were remaking it, I immediately said they couldn't do it justice due to the rating system we have today. Not that ever want to witness what happened to Mari and Phyllis ever again, but why remake if you can't show half of the the violence that made this original so uncomfortable? I'm a LHOTL hypocrite, I guess.

3) Myra Breckinridge
This film can almost fall into the "so bad it's funny" category..almost. Myra Breckinridge is about a man named Myron who undergoes surgery to become a woman. Re-born as Myra, she's on her way to Hollywood. How Raquel Welch had a career after this movie is astounding. Her acting is HORRIBLE, and it's not just hers. It's every body's. What started off as an interested premise went downhill fast. "It's simple, I shall ball you." I laughed at that line, but I couldn't laugh at what followed. It was just too ridiculous. Better films about transsexuals: Breakfast on Pluto and Hedwig and the Angry Inch.

4) Zodiac Killer
Not too long ago a friend and I did a little experiment. We watched David Fincher's (awesome) film Zodiac, then we followed it up with Ulli Lommel's Zodiac Killer to compare. Comparing Fincher and Lommel's work is like night and day. They couldn't be more different. Zodiac Killer isn't actually about the real thing, it's about a copycat. That doesn't make up for the lack of decent acting, writing, production quality and historical accuracy of the murderer you are supposedly writing a movie about. After this we did a little more research on Lommel's work and found out that he does quite a few movies "based on" actual homicides. We checked out a few clips online, and even watched the majority of Green River Killer. It only gets worse..

5) The Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf
This movie is actually does qualify in the "So bad it's funny" category. I might even recommend this to someone who just wants to see a bad movie. Christopher Lee apparently apologized to the director of the original Howling for being in this film. Who knows if that's true, but it's pretty funny. This sequel actually tries to stay relevant to the original, but the bad acting and terrible special effects ruin it quickly. I still don't understand why Sybil Danning had her shirt off so much, I don't understand why the filmmakers didn't get out a map when they were trying to explain where Transylvania is. It's in Romania, but they say it's somewhere else in the film. I can't remember where, I was too busy laughing. I also don't understand how a werewolf transformation could really be that bad. Wow.

6) You Got Served
Yes, I was forced to watch this fiasco as well. The dancing is cool, but the plot sucked. Oh, rival dance teams, we have to battle to "serve" them since they are invading our turf. Oh, they killed some little kid towards the end of the film that we're supposed to care about, but they really didn't mention said kid until just now. Oh, surprise! The "good" team wins at the end. Double crossing friends forgive and forget. We got served. Rinse, lather, repeat..

7) Eagle Vs Shark
This indie from New Zealand felt like one huge Napoleon Dynamite rip off. It's about two socially awkward people named Lily and Jarrod. Lily likes Jarrod, Jarrod shuns Lilly. They try to help each other get over past bullies, problems, etc. All while trying to hard to be completely random. Nothing about this movie was likeable, especially not the leads. It's 88 mins dragged on and on.

8) Troll
I haven't gotten around to seeing the supposedly worse "Troll II" just yet, but believe me. I'm tempted. I taped this piece of crap off of HBO in the early 90's and my biggest complaint was that the sister always wore overalls. After re-watching my VHS, I have some new complaints. The acting is horrendous and every adult in this film is apparently an idiot. The Troll possesses little Wendy Potter, while only her brother, Harry Potter (ha!) seems to suspect anything. If my kid ran around my apartment complex with her Hardees while screaming "Works Burger!" that would warrant an ass-whooping. Nope, not these parents who pretty much sit back as the troll turns the rest of the tenants into plants. The 80's special effects are amusing, I'll give it that.

9) Old Yeller
*Begin rant* What did we learn from Old Yeller? Think about that. What was the plot of this film trying to teach us? Was it trying to tell us a story about finding a dog you grow to love. Watching that dog get attacked by bears, boars, wolves, etc. all because your little brat of a brother can't seem to stay out of trouble? Were we being taught a lesson in life not being fair because now that all of those things happened you have to shoot your beloved dog because it has rabies? Then you just get a replacement dog? What the hell is wrong with you, Fred Gipson? I missed the "touching" part of this story apparently. The films tag line is "A motion picture to remember with glowing pleasure!" Pleasure!? Are we supposed to love seeing dogs hurt in movies? Thanks to Old Yeller we now have more crappy "touching" animal movies in the form of Benji, Homeward Bound, Turner and Hooch, Where the Red Fern Grows and I'm sure countless more. Maybe I'm just bitter because this movie made me bawl like a little b*tch with a skinned knee? Probably. I still don't see the purpose this movie served, or what is so damn family/friendly about it. *end rant*

-- Speaking of 'Where the Red Fern Grows', also a terrible book/movie by the way. A former teacher of mine actually wrote the author years ago asking if everything in the book was true. He said only two things were not true. 1) The dog didn't win a 2nd trophy. and 2) A red fern really didn't grow between their graves. So the cherry on top of your depressing sundae wasn't even true? Nice.--

10) Ben and Arthur
Another example of when curiosity gets the best of you. I watched this online for one simple reason: It was (at the time) #1 on IMDB's bottom 100. I had to see how bad it was. Sam Mraovich acts, directs, writes, films, scores, and produces this low budget "drama" about two men who get married, and the obstacles they face. Calling the acting "wooden" doesn't do it enough justice. Not to mention the entire script felt like they didn't really think things through. They fly to Vermont to get married, yet there are palm trees...everywhere. Screw Continuity, Mraovich apparently didn't care to edit this film very closely. There is an interesting story underneath all this garbage, and handing it to the right person could've resulted in a decent film. Unfortunately we do not get that luxury, we get to see scrambled film making at it's worse. I laughed once, at something that wasn't supposed to be funny.

Honorable Mention:
Showgirls, Glitter, From Justin to Kelly, Kids (though affective), Ken Park, Alone in the Dark, Starship Troopers, Kazaam, Run Lola Run, The Benchwarmers, Click, Head of State, Bringing Down The House, The Fantastic Four, The Exorcist II, The Omen IV, The Calcium Kid, The Happening, The Lady In The Water, Tideland, The Village, and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (sorry Fincher, I love you)

What are the worst movies you've ever seen?

3 comments:

  1. i LOVED Benjamin Button! i thought that was a beautiful movie. you're dead on about the others. there are soooo many more to add tho :)

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  2. Visually, I enjoyed Benjamin Button. The make up artists deserved props, but I thought it was so boring! You're right though, there are plenty more movies that deserve to be on this list.

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  3. You must see Troll 2, it's a classic!!!!!! Just absolutely terrible on all levels of film-making that it's hilarious :)

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