We open with Stannis and Davos sailing to Braavos. Great CGI shot of the titan, and I loved how they had multiple little islands like the book. At the Iron Bank, they meet Tycho "Mycroft" Nestoris. He doesn't believe in Stannis' cause because he doesn't have that many ships, or that many tradable goods from Dragonstone. He also makes a comment that thieves aren't given knight ships, looking at Davos. Davos puts that motherfucker in his place and explains the difference between a pirate and a smuggler. Then he shows them his hand, with his removed fingers. Stannis still punished him for crimes. He gives a long speech on why Stannis is the rightful king, proving once again that Davos is his biggest fanboy. Stannis looks on
Later, Davos visits his old pirate friend Salladhor Saan in a hot tub brothel. He gives him money, and tells him they sail at sunrise. I wish Stannis was in this scene too though, that would've been hilarious.
Yara reads Ramsay's note to her men, and gives one hell of a speech about why they're on this mission. This shot is intertwined with Ramsay fucking Myranda because of course it is. When they arrive, Yara kills some men with her ax (yes!) and demands to be taken to Theon, who is in the kennels.
Theon tells Yara his name is Reek and refuses to go with her. Ain't nobody got time for that, so she drags him out of his kennel only to be met by shirtless, cut up Ramsay and his men. They fight, Reek bites Yara and returns to his cage. When she demands Theon, Ramsay tells her she has bigger balls than he ever did..then he sicks his hounds on them. They flee, but not because of the hounds, but because the cause is lost. "My brother is dead." she says.
Immediately after this scene, I was like "wow, that was pointless, much like the entire Iron Born. But after thinking about it, I'm glad it was here. It really was remixed of a few scenes in the book. (Mostly Kyra and her keys) Plus, it was good to see a female kicking ass like that again. Yara (Asha in the books) really is the only likable Greyjoy at this point, so showing her in this light is only helpful.
Ramsay rewards Reek with a bath, I expected them to show some Let The Right One In type stitches on Reek, but they actually left that out. Ramsay, proving he's still the creepiest fucker in Westeros helps bath Reek and tells him he gets to "pretend to be Theon Greyjoy" to take Moat Cailin. Ouch.
We cut to Drogon torching some goats, then to Dany in her throne room. The goat herder doesn't want to offend her, but throws his burned goat's bones on the floor and tells her about her dragons. She say she will compensate him three times over.
Then the noble Hizdahr zo Loraq walks in. (This is earlier than I expected to see him) He gives her a sob story about how she crucified his father even though he opposed the slave children being crucified. She argues, but eventually gives in and lets him bury his father. She asks how many more people she has to see today, and is told 212. She's overwhelmed by ruling.
We get a quick small council scene where Dany is mentioned again. Tywin wants to put an end to that too, he turns Mace into his bitch boy and tells him to fetch his quill and paper. Poor Mace.
Trial time! Tyrion can't believe they're actually chaining him up. Tommen excuses himself and Tywin sits on the throne like he was honestly, probably meant to be.
Let's do a witness run down:
Ser Meryn "fucking" Trant - complaining about Tyrion yelling at Joffrey in season 2 after he ordered Meryn to beat and strip her. Cunt.
Grand Maester Pycelle - Lying about Tyrion raiding his pantry after he threw him in the black cells in season 2. Ends his testimony with "He killed the most noble child the Gods ever put on this Earth." Cunt.
Lord Varys - Well, he's not a cunt. He's just playing the game like he knows how. He admits to Tyrion at the end of his testimony that he didn't forget what he said to him after Blackwater.
Cersei - SUPER cunt.
*breaks for recess*
Jaime goes into Tywin's office (chambers? Thrones has offices, right?) and calls the trial a farce and tells his father that if Tyrion lives, he'll leave the Kings Guard, go to Casterly Rock and marry. Just like his father wants him too. Tywin predicted this and said he will show Tyrion mercy and allow him to join the Night's Watch. Unsullied everywhere are giddy at the idea of Jon Snow and Tyrion in the same scenes.
Before I talk about the next witness, I love how the camera kept cutting to Margaery, who knows who REALLY killed Joffrey during the trial. Her bullshit meter was going crazy.
Their star witness is Shae the funny whore. She lies and says Tyrion planned this with Sansa. She shares intimate details of their relationship with the court, making everyone laugh. Tyrion is obviously heart broken, he tells her "don't" but she ignores him. Oberyn did have a nice line in there when he asked her "DID you fuck him like it was his last day in this world?"
This is where Tyrion snaps. He wishes to confess. He wishes he HAD killed Joffrey so that he was the monster they've all been saying he was. He's been on trial for being a dwarf his whole life. He tells Cersei he liked watching her bastard die, then he demands Trial By Combat. Oberyn is intrigued.
Best One Liners from Veep:
"I can improve your posture by 6000%"
"She was a vicious bitch and a fucking drunk."
"Give me that gun, I'll shoot his balls off."
"Oh no, I hate violence!"
"He takes all the presents from the children."
Teach me How to Duggar:
This week on 19 Kids & Counting I saw a man step in between his 23 year old daughter and another man, because he *gasp* put his hand on her UPPER BACK. We all know what kind of impure thoughts that could lead too. *facepalm*
Annie over at Large Popcorn, No Butter has nominated me for the Liebster Award! I think I've actually gotten this a few times before, but I'm grateful for the nomination, and she asked some really good questions, so here are my answers:
1. If you had to pick between watching black and white or color movies forever which would you choose? Color, every time.
2. Would you rather watch a romcom or a horror movie? Why? Horror, because that genre is 100 times better, in my opinion.
3. What's your preferred movie theater snack? My favorite theater here in town serves THE BEST mini donuts.
4. Who's your favorite character of all time? This is hard. Wow, Lester Burnham, maybe? He was very complex. Then there's Batman...
5. Name three of your favorite movies made before 1950. Classic movies - my weakness! I'll go with A Little Princess, Captain January, and Just Around The Corner. Do not judge me for only naming Shirley Temple movies.
6. Disney or Dreamworks? Disney. The only thing Dreamworks ever had going for them was How To Train Your Dragon.
7. Wes Anderson or Quentin Tarentino? Tarantino. I enjoy both filmmakers, but I prefer more of Tarantino's films.
8. Dark humor or light humor? Dark, that's just the kind of person I am, I guess.
9. What's your favorite poster art that you've ever seen? I loved the posters Focus Features put together for Brick. They were all great.
10. If you had to watch a movie that was over 3 hours long, which one would you choose? Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
11. What's your favorite country for foreign film? I like French movies, just because the language sounds so beautiful. (and they make a lot of good movies)