What's the worst that could happen? Things don't escape anymore, right?
Twenty two years after Jurassic Park crashed and burned, the park has now been re-opened and has turned into a full on SeaWorld inspired theme park. It's got animals in captivity doing tricks, a petting zoo, poorly insured rides. (Seriously, who lets a teenager drive a vehicle, in this case, a moving hamster ball with another child in it?) and plenty of safe guards that are destined to fail so this movie can smack us in the face with some more nostalgia.
Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard) is the typical uptight childless workaholic whose nephews Zach and Gray (Nick Robinson, and the worst child actor on Earth, Ty Simpkins) come to visit her at the park, by themselves. Of course since she's SO focused on her job, she pawns them off on an assistant. Meanwhile, there's Owen (Chris Pratt) and ex-Navy turned raptor trainer whom she consults to see if the cage the built around their genetically modified dinosaur is actually safe enough. Turns out, it isn't, and suddenly their freak of nature T-Rex hybrid is on the loose. On top of this, there's Hoskins (Vincent D'Onofrio) who wants to use Owen's trained raptors as military weapons. His dick is practically hard at the prospect of this hybrid escaping because now he can test this out.
Jurassic World had plenty of problems. Howard's character is an annoying trope. She doesn't have kids, doesn't want them (which is fine) yet when she sees parents reuniting with children towards the end, she stares lovingly at Owen and might as well yell "give me your sperm!" at him. It felt forced. The biggest issue by far was the two children, who are no Lex and Tim. (despite Gray being a near carbon copy of Tim) Simpkins, if you remember was the annoying kid in Iron Man 3, and he hasn't gotten better here. These two actors are completely wooden and would've served the story better if they had just been killed off right away. These two kids, despite being in a park with a massive dinosaur chasing them had the time to dick around with an old car (because apparently whoever renovated Jurassic Park just left all the old stuff in a garage and built around it) then watch as their care taker got tossed around by Pterodactyls while they should've been running for cover.
I know I'm doing a lot of complaining in this review, but the film does get quite a bit right. It reuses John William's brilliant score, and it makes everything seem twice as epic. They went a little overboard with the nods to the original (We see mirror shots of the kids in the hamster ball vs the kids in the car, feet on the glass. The Indominus Rex enters a room in the exact same way the T-rex entered the museum in the original. The kids have similar dialogue when they're trying to turn something on, like Lex and Tim had with the flash light. The climatic scene is staged nearly identical to the original, etc) It was all a bit much. The CGI here is fantastic, and admit it, you really wanted to see that T-rex again. This was an entertaining, mindless blockbuster for sure. And definitely the best of the Jurassic Park sequels.
Memorable Quote: "Why did you have to make it personal?" - Lowrey (Jake Johnson)