Oh Game of Thrones, I'm so glad you're back. You did not disappoint. As always, there's too many characters to fit into one episode, but we did catch up with most of them in the premiere, Two Swords. This is what happened.
Tywin has a blacksmith melt down Ned Stark's great sword, Ice into two separate swords. All while The Rains of Castamere played. You're such an A-hole, Tywin. This was our cold open (which I wish they'd do in every episode)
Dreadfort and Mereen have been added to our opening map. I'm glad they're still showing Winterfell too.
Tywin and Jaime argue about Jaime being a 40 year old hand less knight of the King's Guard. Tywin presented Jaime with one of the swords he had made earlier. This scene was a lot angrier in the book, but I thought it played out nicely here. This is also the first of two times they put emphasis on Jaime's age, which I thought was a little weird.
Tyrion, Bronn, and Podrick wait to greet the Prince of Dorne. Bronn got golden lines, of course. Podrick named a few of the sigils of the smaller houses. We learn that The Prince of Dorne is in ill health, so he sent his brother Oberyn instead. Tyrion notes that there's bad blood between the Lannisters and the Martells of Dorne. We cut to the brothel (of course) where notorious whore Oberyn is picking out women (and men) for he and his paramor, Elaria. He overhears two Lannister men singing, and promptly stabs one of them. I think he instantly just became the Unsullied's new favorite character. When he and Tyrion meet, they talk about how Oberyn's sister Elia was married to Rhaegar Targaryen, she bore him children, and he left her for another woman. During the sack of King's Landing, Tywin ordered The Mountain to kill Elia and her children. What he actually did was stab the older daughter to death, smash the infant son's head against a wall, and rape and kill Elia while her son's brain matter was all over his bands. You might remember The Mountain for chopping off his horse's head in season 1. Yeah, he's a total douche. Oberyn is here for his revenge.
We cut to Dany sitting with her dragons, who are getting increasingly hostile. Jorah stares on with his Khaleesi face.
Grey Worm and new Daario had a little contest. Daario is still an asshole. I like the look of the other guy better (because his face was more punchable) but this guy seems alright too.
Sansa, who is still traumatized from the events of the Red Wedding is refusing to eat. Tyrion tries to talk some sense into her, but she's 100% done with everyone's shit at this point. Later, Shae tries to seduce Tyrion, but he isn't having it.
Cersei has Jaime fitted with his golden hand, that he doesn't like. (I loved how he waived goodbye to Qyborn with it.) He points out Cersei's drinking and she bitches about everything that happened (including calling Ser Loras a "renowned pillow biter.) She cock blocks him and tells him he took to long to get to her.
We check in with the Wildlings, and get introduced to the Thenns, who are just as creepy as I imagined them to be.
Jon talks to Sam about always being jealous of Robb. This is the only part that bothered me, that Jon learned of the Red Wedding off screen. I would've liked to have seen that. Sam points out that Jon is better than him at everything except eating. Awww...Sam.
Jon tells the acting Lord Commander about the impending Wildling attack. We're reintroduced to enormous prick, Janos Slynt. (He was the captain of the city watch that Tyrion sent to the wall in season 2) They're all outraged and what not that Jon got laid. Maester Aemon vouches for him and says Jon is telling the truth.
Brienne visits Margaery and Ollenna (who totally fan girls over Brienne) and tells him what really happened to Renly.
Jack Gleeson deserves an Emmy for playing Joffrey. That guy even stands like an asshole
Joffrey taunts Jaime over being, well, himself again. But hey, he mentioned Arthur Dayne!
Jaime and Brienne argue over his vows. It was adorable. Jaime asked Brienne if she's sure she isn't actually a Lannister, and my inner shipper fan girled because they are meant to be.
Sansa is praying in the God's wood and runs into Ser Dontos! He gives her a necklace that belonged to his mother and asks that she give his name one last change to bask in the sunlights. She obliges.
And now onto the best ending of a premiere episode - Arya and The Hound are outside of an Inn. Arya spots Polliver, the man who took Needle from her and killed her friend Lommy. "What the fucks a Lommy?" The Hound asks, in the line of the night. They go inside, see Polliver and his douchey men, they start to talk up The Hound, who is rivaling Sansa at this point for being 100% done with people's shit. A fight breaks out, The Hound kills most of the men. Arya grabs a sword and kills one, runs up behind Polliver and cuts the back of his knees. She then takes Needle from him and repeats the same words he said to Lommy right before he killed him. Then she shoves Needle through his head.
I loved this entire episode, sorry my recap got so long, I'm just excited. I can't wait for next week. Especially for the Unsullied fans, they're in for a real treat
Funny quotes from Veep
"Get out of the way or I'll fucking inhale you!"
"All my orgasms have come at once."
Am I the only one who hopes that's not the last we see of Jonah? I love watching him get made fun of.
So recently I've become fascinated with 19 Kids and