We start off with the PG-13 version of Ramsay's hunting activities. (Thank God) I still think it's kind of stupid that Ramsay has a crazy chick helping him. I don't imagine her living quite long to be honest.
Tyrion and Jaime have a little heart to heart. Tyrion drops an awesome line: "Cersei can't get enough boar since one killed Robert." Jaime confesses to Tyrion he can't fight left handed, so Tyrion lends him someone to practice with...
Bronn. In the books, Jaime sparred with Ser Illyn because he had no tongue, therefore he couldn't talk. Since the actor that played him was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I'm assuming this is why they made the switch. I'm okay with it. Sure, it makes less sense, but there's no such thing as "too much Bronn."
Ramsay meets Roose and his new wife, Walda at the Dreadfort. Did Ramsay seriously call her "mother?" Did I hear that right? Roose meets Theon and gets a little pissy with Ramsay for torturing him, as he wanted to trade him for Moat Cailin. Ramsay proves Reek's loyalty by letting him shave him while he tells him that Robb Stark is dead. Alfie Allen was great here. He also drops the bomb that Bran and Rickon are still alive. Roose sends Locke after the boys, and tells Ramsay to take Theon to Moat Cailin. Then he'll "reconsider his position" in the family. Honestly, I liked this scene, but I don't care for Ramsay having THAT much pull over Roose. In the books, it's rather clear that Roose is the brains behind everything. I kind of think book Roose would've bitch slapped Ramsay here.
Varys tells Tyrion that Cersei found out about Shae.
During Joffrey's gift giving ceremony, Cersei points Shae out to Tywin. (I'm actually surprised they are putting THIS much stock into this) Joffrey makes an awful joke about swinging his new sword and it being like chopping off Ned Stark's head every time. Sansa is getting real tired of Joffrey's shit.
Tyrion breaks up with Shae. Shae The Funny Whore still needs acting lessons.
We finally catch up with Team Dragonstone as they casually burn people alive. Davos has taken a page from Sansa's book and is 100% done with this shit. Stannis looks that way too, but he's not going to fucking say it. Selyse is still kind of bat shit. "I hate many things, but I suffer them all the same." Stannis says to her during dinner. Obviously, we couldn't tell by that look on your face, Stannis. I did love how defensive he got over Shireen when Selyse threatened to beat her. That made me happy.
Melisandre and Shireen have a little chit chat where Shireen, taking a page from Sansa and Davos' book tells Melisandra that she is also 100% done with this shit.
We check in with Bran and company now. They're still in the middle of bumfuck nowhere. I can't believe the kid that plays Jojen is 23. Anyways, Bran has his greenseeing visions when he touches the heart tree, and just like that, I am proved wrong when I thought that scene of the dragon flying over King's Landing was just for promotional purposes.
Wedding Time! We're going to do this rapid fire style.
You know one thing that kind of drives me nuts, when Joff and Margaery are being married off, it's "Joffrey of the Houses Baratheon and Lannister" If there were wide-spread rumors of your kid being a product of incest, wouldn't you want to step as far away from that as possible? I would be like ALL BARATHEON ALL THE TIME. No House Lannister, no lions, no red. Nothing. Why draw attention to it?
Tywin and Olenna are chatting. NOT NOW, MACE!!
Of course Oberyn and Ellaria are checking everyone out
Olenna gets up close and personal with Sansa's necklace.
Cersei gives Margaery the funniest passive/aggressive bitch look of all time.
Loras and Jaime get in a shade throwing contest.
Cersei and Brienne speak. For a second, I actually think Cersei is being genuine in her thanks. Then she hears about this business of Jaime saving Brienne. Cersei calls Brienne out on loving Jaime, and I think this might be the first time Brienne has even considered it. Jaime looks confused in the distance.
Cersei tells Grand Maester Pycelle to go fuck himself.
Oberyn and Ellaria chat with Tywin and Cersei, and he reminds Cersei about 100 times that she is the FORMER queen regent. I never thought the word "former" would ever end up being so hysterical.
In the books, Joffrey has a bunch of dwarfs in a jousting match. Here, he has them reenact the war of the 5 kings, complete with Renly's ass hanging out, and another dwarf taking a page from Marty Hart's book and "skull fucking" Robb's head. Sansa is STILL 100% done with this shit.
And so is Margaery
Joffrey decides he's going to humiliate Tyrion. Tyrion of course, gives him a smart ass remake, but Joffrey is intent on making it worse. Margaery breaks the ice by shouting "Oh look, the pie!" trying to distract everyone else.
Joffrey cuts the pie with his sword, killing some innocent doves, of course, and demands Tyrion be his cup bearer. He drinks some wine that Tyrion pours, and immediately starts choking.
He collapses, Jaime ridiculously runs towards him. Cersei literally shoves Margaery aside to get to him, the shoves Jaime off of him as well. Joffrey points to Tyrion, accusing him.
Ser Dontos approaches Sansa during all of this and tells her if she wants to live, she needs to leave. Now.
Joffrey dies, Cersei demands for Tyrion's arrest. The look on her face could kill.
I watched other things on TV this week, but Game of Thrones is kind of just consuming all my thoughts right now.