This week's episode Breaker of Chains felt like it was going to be a Dany-centric episode. Turns out she was just in the last 7 minutes. As always, click those gifs to be directed to their makers.
We start the episode with Ser Dontos whisking Sansa away to a ship in the night. Turns out Littlefinger and his crazy accent is aboard the ship, ready to perv on Sansa. When Ser Dontos mentions that he should get back, Littlefinger offers to pay him...and ends up having men shoot him in the face with crossbows. "Money will buy a man's silence for a time, but a bolt to the heart will buy it forever" he tells Sansa. Charming. He explains that he was behind Ser Dontos helping her, and smashes the family necklace. No mention of the poison in it, they must get to that next week.
Olenna tells Margaery that she may not have liked watching Joffrey die, but she would've liked it better than being married to him. Since they didn't consummate their marriage, she isn't queen, but she still will be.
Then we cut to the Sept where Cersei and newly aged Tommen are looking over Joffrey's dead body. Tywin appears to give Tommen advice at the worst possible time. He even starts to give him the sex talk, which was fucking hysterical. I can't imagine worse at giving said talk. Except maybe Stannis, since he seems to hate sex.
Then we get the famous sept sex scene between Cersei and Jaime. Cersei wants Jaime to kill Tyrion, but he's not convinced he murdered Joffrey. Jaime didn't get to say his good line from the book "He was my seed, not my son." I think the way the handled this scene was awful. Jaime came off as way too rapey. Sure, Cersei said no in the book, but let's be honest, it was more towards the location than the act itself. She was still trying to tempt him. Having Jaime say "I don't care" or whatever the fuck he said to her was stupid. Book Jaime was completely against violence against women. He hated having to stand guard by Aerys' door while he was raping Rhaella. He saved Brienne from rape twice. He freaked out on the kingsguard when he found out they were beating Sansa. Where's that Jaime? This scene made him look awful.
Next we check in on The Hound and Arya, who meet a nice father and daughter who take them in, only for The Hound to rob them. Arya calls him "The worst shit in Westeros" The Hound tells her he just knows how things work. "How many Starks have to lose their heads before she figures this out?" - Harsh, but actually kind of true. Still, it sucked seeing The Hound rob those nice people.
At Castle Black, Sam frets over Gilly being there with 100 horny men. So he sends to her to the most logical place to keep her safe: The whorehouse in Moletown. Gilly is 100% done with Sam's shit right about now. What the fuck is this? This wasn't in the books.
Stannis bitches at Davos for letting Gendry go and for not rallying enough men. Davos tries to reach Stannis with logic, but to no avail.
I loved this scene - Shireen teaching Davos to read again. Davos tells her that her father "lacks an appreciation of the finer points of bad behavior." He only appreciates dark magic and cheating on his crazy wife. While he's telling Shireen a story about Braavos he suddenly has a light bulb go off in his head about The Iron Bank of Braavos. He asks her to draft a letter for him. I wonder if Stannis is going to find out about these little lessons? That should be an interesting scene.
In what has to be the biggest cock block of the season - Tywin interrupts Oberyn and Ellaria's sexy time in the brothel to interrogate him about Joffrey's murder. He doesn't really think Oberyn, despite being a master of poison killed Joffrey. But he wants to know what he talked to Tyrion about. Oberyn says they talked about his sister. Tywin "categorically" denies any part of Elia's murder. Classy. It's true, really. In the book, Tywin only wanted the kids murdered. Elia was supposed to be left alone. That doesn't make it any better because Tywin probably didn't give a shit either way. He confesses to Oberyn that he needs Dorne. He knows Danaerys has dragons in the east, and eventually she will turn her eyes on Westeros. The Dornish survived against Aegon's dragons years ago. He asks Oberyn to be a judge at Tyrion's trial, and to also be on the small council.
Podrick visits Tyrion in the dungeon, letting him know that he can call his own witnesses at his trial. He learns that Sansa is missing, that Varys has already been called to testify against him, and that he cannot see Bronn. Podrick also tells him that he was bribed into testifying against him, but he's not going to do it. Tyrion doesn't want to risk Pod's life, so he tells him to flee. This was a really sweet scene. I love me some Podrick.
The Wildlings kill some innocent people in a friendly reminder that they are the enemy. The spare a young boy and tell him to run to Castle Black to warn them. He does, but Thorne doesn't want to go out and help. The wildlings want to draw them out, they can't have that. Soon, some rangers from Craster's Keep return and let them know that the rogue watchmen have taken over. Jon speaks up, and lets them know he told Mance Rayder that they were over 1000 men at Castle Black. (There's really only 100) If they get a hold of those men first, they'll tell them the truth.
Now onto the chain breaker. Mereen sends out a champion that pisses and taunts Dany and her Unsullied. Poor Missandei has to translate it all. Dany says she has a message for the people of Mereen, but first she needs this champion dead. Grey Worm, Ser Barriston and Ser Jorah all offer, but they're too important, so she wont risk them. New Daario says he comes from nothing and that he'll do it
Dany delivers quite the speech, then has her Unsullied launch Barrels full of broken slave collars over Mereen's walls. This was a cool visual.
Best one liners from Veep
"I'd rather take advice from a Ouiji board."
'My 2nd wedding was in the rain, you could see my nipples in all the pictures."
"Sue Casta is Sue Casta"
"What is this bushel of fuck talking about?"
"You are the dick that keeps on giving."
Teach me how to Duggar.
Here's what I learned from 19 Kids and Counting this week:
*Apparently TLC thinks it's viewers need courting explained to them over and over, because Michelle just explained it AGAIN.
*The Bates' accents are insane. (also wtf they named their DAUGHTER Michael?)
*The Duggar boys (at least the older ones) seem lazy and awful.
*I'm pretty sure Jim Bob would've smacked Jessa if the cameras had not been rolling.
*The Duggars almost ran over a dog with their bus about 3 times during this episode.
*Holy shit, a baby pink master bedroom?
*If my friends/family trashed my car at my wedding, I'd choke a bitch.