Review: Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle

What year is it?

Four teenagers serving detention find an old video game console with a mysterious game called "Jumanji" that they've never heard of. They decide to give it a go, and find themselves transported into the game as the characters they've chosen. Now they have to complete a quest to free themselves.

How did the board game we remember from the 1995 film turn into a video game? Because it fucking felt like it. Seriously, the game overhears a kid bitching about how no one plays board games so it morphed into a video game. Then we're moving right along. 

As for our four stereotypical teens, the nerd (Alex Wolf) transforms into The Rock. The jock(Ser'Darius Blain..and ps this dude is THIRTY) becomes Kevin Hart, the angry girl (Morgan Turner) turns into Karen Gillan, and the self obsessed popular girl (Madison Iseman) ends up as Jack Black. Thankfully, these actors have excellent chemistry together even though they're playing caricatures. 

I give this film credit in a few places. There are about three legitimately funny things that happen. Nearly all of the video game related humor lands. (The characters that only have stock phrases, weaknesses, smoldering, etc) A well placed dick joke, and a perfectly timed use of the word "bitch." Everything else ranges from basic to bad.

Remember when I said the leads had great chemistry? Thank God for that because the next two billed actors, Nick Jonas and Bobby Cannavale are awful. I'm not sure which is worse. How the camera lingers on Jonas when we first see him like we're supposed to be impressed by a former boy bander's casting or whatever the hell Cannavale was trying to do with that accent. I've never seen him be bad in a film before.

I think I got my hopes up. I thought this film was going to be awful when I first saw the trailer, then it started doing well, and I thought I had misjudged it, but it's essentially mediocre on every level. 

Recommended: No

Grade: C

Memorable Quote: "Oh my God, Martha! Come look at my penis." - Bethany (Jack Black)

15 comments:

  1. Argh, this is becoming so confusing to me. Is it good, is it bad? I have no idea anymore. I think I will see it though with our work event and I guess with alcohol and a good company I will enjoy it more than I should. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's just blah. lol. It's not awful or good.

      Delete
  2. Nice review! I felt like seeing Jumanji after all the rave reviews, but it seemed like one of those movies that's not better than its trailer. Thanks for saving me on this one. I don't really feel like watching the original movie's concept get ruined either. lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, this is a rental at best. It's laughable how they tied in the original too. It was so forced.

      Delete
  3. I have no interest in seeing this film at all. It just looks like every other film. Plus, I really despise Nick Jonas in general. He always has a smug look whenever he appears on something.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This sounds a little more in line with my expectations. I have heard so much praise for this thing which completely surprised me. Still haven't been sold enough to go see it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think the bar was so low that it surprised people when it wasn't completely awful. lol

      Delete
  5. I was so shaken to come away from this film with a newfound respect for Jack Black, who really felt like the veteran actor in the pack.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. God, now that you say that he really did. lol

      Delete
  6. Cannavale was bad? Impossible! :/ People on reddit are raving about Black in this

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nope. He is. It's strange, Black is probably the best actor in the entire film.

      Delete
  7. I haven’t seen this movie and I will most probably never watch it voluntarily. I adore the original ‘Jumanji’ and I enjoyed some animated adaptations which came out later. I am not willing to soil my memories because of this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wouldn't say this one soils any memories of the original Jumanji, it's too forgettable for that.

      Delete

If you're reading this sentence you should probably leave a comment.